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I need to write. Let it out. All the frustration that's been building, all the stress under my skin boiling to the surface. The last few months have been so hard. I want to point the finger at Tim for starting me on this crazy path of self destruction. But I am too rationale to be able to do that. All I know is that my two hospital stints were very close to run ins with him. Which makes you really wonder how much stress can effect your overall health. In my case I say it renders me to the point of hospitalization for bizzare medical conditions that may or may not trully exist. So I was in the hospital for about a week. Last week and well I wasn't able to pay my bills before this. So well... Now I am in a deeper hole looking up, confused, lost, scared. I can't take my sick cat to the vet, I can't pay 40 dollars to get this required insurance to skate in my first bout, I can't pay rent for the second month in a row, I am weeks late and just when I think this pay check... Something happens like clockwork! I am fighter and also relatively strong. But sometimes the defeat is too much. I really really really really want to hide from the real life. I could become some recluse artist, that's cool right?

Last night I forced myself to go out to a dance night. The strangest thing happened. I was dragged onto the dance floor and then I found myself singing and jumping and fist pumping every beat to the chorus. I was like a drugged animal and it felt AMAZING! Thank god for this brief insanity. This morning I didn't want to get up. Not sure why it's like I knew the paralyzation was coming. Around 4 o'clock...I started thinking about everything. The reality came in and hit me so hard. I have been crying for about an hour now. I took a chill pill and even that doesn't seem to be helping too much. I felt maybe if I wrote about thing maybe they would seem more trivial. After all it's only money, right? I always bounce back. I will be ok. I have safety nets somewhere, they seem to appear right befor the big fall. I can't say I am lucky well because lucky people wouldn't be in the hospital all the time. But I do really scrape by the skin of my teeth. It's a bad little talent.

Present

Sometimes it's so hard to live in the present. I am not who I was and I have no idea who I will become. So yeah it's a waste of time to obesses about things. A certain someone from my pasts makes me feel horrible, just by looking at their picture a surge of resentment comes over me. I not some crazy person but for some reason I want to blame so much of my misfortune on this one part of my life that involved them. Would of, Could of Should of...

I just want to be happy now. So I have to constantly remind myself I am here and now.

In other news I had some crazy ass detox last night! It's gotta be sugar or some other evil culprit. It felt like drug withdrawls and the symptoms were itchy skin, sweating tossing and turning and rapid thoughts. I so hope I am over it.

Fasting/Jugheads

Ohh played Jugheads last night. I feel so awake and drained. I think we're playing their again Friday. I say I think because that bar is crazy when it comes to booking they over book and bands show up randomly. It's really odd. Hopefully I will get more info about the Sponge show! I am excited to open up for a good band and at the old boston's. Club 910 live. I want to go check it out this weekend, I hope they still have that amazing outdoor stage.

So I have been water fasting with a little juice in the morning for 4 Days! I never would have thought I could do this. But Bikram yoga has really made me see my potential. I am not really tired at all. The only thing I notice is that I am a little short on working on my computer databases. I just don't have the extra concentration. But I do feel better in alot of other strange ways. I was going to eat today, but after so many days your body stops caring. I am actually scared of eating because I know my stomach is gonna go gaga and hurt. Maybe a bannana... ok this is way too much tmi.

I am so looking forward to Coachella 29 days!

Skating!

So any of you AZ girls interested in getting fit, making friends, etc. Come join me and the Hell City Roller Girls. Tonight 6:30, I will be at "the church" Central and Bethany (yes they have a skating rink in a huge church) 3 bucks gets you in. We mainly do laps and stuff on Mondays, nothing scary. The rink is on the S side I think it says "Family Center"



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of you have pads and/or skates bring them :)

Waiting for Kris..

Going to attempt to do our own band photos. We gotta save money for merch. Found a local place that does merch for good prices. http://www.chaosprinting.com/ gonna get some girl shirts. My friend Ernest is making us some pins that we can give out free.

Lalalala. Tonight I want to dance!

So this is the New Year?

I have been a bad bad blogger. If it were my job I would have been fired. But I really think it's time for me and LJ to come back into each others arms. How else would I document my life? I am living it once and I want to try and remember it. :)

The last few months have been one of routine. It's a mixture of band practice and roller derby. My relaxing moments come in the mail in blockbuster envelopes and wine.

With the new year I have set some goals. Mainly music ones, every month at the first practice we will have a list of crap to do and it is divided up. This month includes photos, webstuff. lyric writing and merch. The main website is pretty much done aside from the main bio (which Fez has till 31st ti finish) check it out and leave suggestions. http://www.adamsevil.com

I have also joined forces with Technicolor Bubbles. I am mainly singing back up, but I hear a keytar is in my future. You can hear Mouse and I on "It's alright" http://www.myspace.com/technicolorbubbles

Greg and Christa are great to work with and Christa has a knack for writing that makes me slightly envious. :)


Derby. Derby is a strange mistress she twists and turns. I love her, I hate her and in the end need more. I have been practicing my ass off and have to say my calves have never looked so good. I skate at least 3 times a week. My current skate goal is to get faster much much faster. My cross overs are getting rad, it's such a great feeling to have control over your feet in this way I can't explain it.

So that's about it. We'll actually not completely. Weight I am 20% to my goal weight. That's all I want to say about that. I wish it was more. But it is what it is.

To my lj friends, I still love you.

XOXO

droid

I got a new phone finally and I can blog on it. weeeee. at work will catch up later.

just for fun...

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I need some sun glasses and hairspray and I am good to go!

Tonight! XOXOX

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Please come out at least stop on in. Drink specials, cotton candy, bands, freakshow and me.

Nerves

I have nerves of steel on a good day. I don't fear much. But I am nervous about tomorrow, tt feels like a crux of something to come. If it goes bad I will some how believe I am destined for failure, if it goes well may good fortune shine on. I wish I didn't believe these things good and bad, black or white, I have no grey. I feel like my last CD release party was the down fall of DeSade. Actually impeding success was the downfall of that band. Everything I worked for almost came true and in a blink of an eye it was over. I wondered aimlessly for years trying to get that desire back. The desire to push a band to the brink to see where it would go. Only in the last month have I felt that passion again. I want to push and push again, it seems like a good thing but then again I see it like I am leaping off a cliff to see if it will kill me.

<3