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finding the un-jaded

Finding the un-jaded... Your scars don't make you who you are, they hold you down. I wish you could all see this beauty. Don't be a victim to disease, divorce (break ups), depression... I am no longer a victim I gave up the habit and being an "artist" it was hard. I thought to be an artist I had to feel pain and so much empathy. But fuck that I want to be happy I want to be with good people and if you're jaded that's just not going to work. I still believe in love. True loves kiss...

Dream in which I am dying...

I had a funny dream. It was all over the place but it was the end of the world. Weird solar flares were slowly killing us. We had to invest in these "flash blankets" to protect us. These scary sonic booms would happen and you had to cover yourself or melt. So in typical Sarah fashion I went on a cruise where apparently I started a lesbian club called "The last weekenders" this super cool girl was like "Are you sure it's ok for me to come on board, I heard Disney was hosting this?" me "Does it really matter it's the end of the world?"
Then I am in a weird like scene of drag queens galore, like a Broadway production of sorts but they were in circus gear... then I was in a haunted house and I had to keep turning the gas stoves burners off. (I think we're still at the end of the world the house looked really weird) a native Hawaiian girl started a ritual of sorts to free the spirit it was beautiful. I then was in a end of the world like pantry and had a unique conversation with a mixed race male about how we needed to only date in are "ID range" I replied "But then we would be keeping the population from getting smarter" (he was dating this German girl so I am not sure what ID range meant, I think it was like an aptitude, maybe socioeconomic but not race related.) end. WTF!!! I need to find my ID range and mate accordingly. LOL!
I just realized that nursing and private investigating are both based on one major thing!! Making decisions based on the collection of subjective and objective data. Is this what they call critical thinking? Weird. Sorry random post. Thought that was kinda neat. BTW I hate the random use of the words "critical thinking" it's everywhere right now. To be human you have to think critically, since when is this a skill set?

head vs. heart

I am perplexed by this. I have not felt this in some time... my head vs heart. Now everything seems tied between these, not just love. Even school tells me to follow my heart now. As much as that person seems like toxic poison labled "drink me" he does this to me. He awakens the non logical passion in me. I suddenly can't think rationally. I hate this yet I feel alive like I'm living again. I realize this as a bipolar like feeling. I'm suddenly bombarded by creativity and passion that ocassionally scare me with intensity and reckless abandonment. I feel I can write for days... I dunno what it all means. I'm so happy to feel yet giving up control is like giving the keys to a drunk driver....you know sooner or later it will destruct.

I want to give in a little. I want to live for the present. If I hurt then so be it.
My head and heart are so like the good vs evil and the ID and super ego. Thanks Freud..


I feel really insecure. I know I have to go on and pull up my big girl panties. But life is out right scary! School is for some reason so scary. I know I can do it. But I feel insecure. Like I have no safety nets in my life. I wish I had one. I feel like if I fall once it's ALL over. I need to think positive and not all anxiety ridden. That's why I am rambling here in hopes I get it out and release it!!

I know people believe in me. So I have to, too.

New day! LPN

So I start LPN today! I got my books and I am ready. Scared and ready people talk about nursing school as if it is the hardest thing they have ever done in their lives. I hope this isn't true. I hope doing something I LOVE will make it enjoyable. My plan tonight is to sit next to the smart person. How do I find the smart kid? I am going to sit in the middle. Front is too close to teacher and back says "I'm not gonna try"
I am so excited this really is day one of the journey even though I have been kicking my ass for over a year. This is the moment where I make it or break it!



7/27: I was in a house that I know. Woke up dream within a dream. Saw cupcake mix in the kitchen. I decided to make them. The mix was all wrong some were thick and the others were runny. I couldn't figure out the oven. I remember feeling flustered.

7/28: I dreamt I was taking a final about my life. Everyone else was cheating off eachothers tests (metaphor of life right?). It was multiple choice. I only remember making a chart but not the content. Later on a student took a survey about me. The teacher was reading it out loud. I confronted the student and said "why did you say that, why are you so mean?" he shrugged his shoulders and said "I thought it would be funny" we were an airplane that resembled more of a stage. I jumped off. Woke up.


My life is spectacularly interesting. I can at least say that. I start LPN in like a week in a half. I am so excited yet I want to vomit with anxiety! haha. 6-21

Ugh I have kidney pain. I was cleaning and sharp pain in both sides. Awesome. Water time.

I miss you...

I have facebook diareah. Maybe I should post here where I can say whatever I want...


Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I hate that I only bitch here LJ but I need you. I can't pay rent I have some infection and I started thyroid meds and feel like an emotional jack tard. So getting this on face book before leaving work was not the high note I wanted to start my week on. Oh and lucky me I am coaching tomorrow. yay!!!

"Started thinking more about what you were asking Saturday night and I think you caught me off guard. I have been talking to people about you not playing and the reason is you are more of a safety risk than anything. I feel like you are not very firm on your skates and don't take hits very well at all. I know we all have A LOT to work on but I don't feel like you are safe out on the track. I also recommended you be taken off of the coach list as I feel like you have a hard time doing most of the things you are supposed to be teaching all of us. I hope you can take this as constructive criticism and not be too upset with what I have just said. But I felt like I fibbed a bit when you asked me on Saturday night. I wanted to be honest."

this is a teamate. lovely eh?