I am starting to really see how annoying "invisible" diseases are. I have migraines and intracystial cystitis which are both things you can't see. They both totally exist but when I have a flare up or a migraine people look at me with distain. You can't really call in to work because you're pissing blood, I mean you can. But people just don't believe you. So now that I am on this high cortisol testing I feel like even my own boyfriend thinks I am faking it. Even though I fit this freakish profile to a T.

Common signs and symptoms involve progressive obesity and skin changes, such as:

Weight gain and fatty tissue deposits, particularly around the midsection and upper back, in the face (moon face) and between the shoulders (buffalo hump)
Pink or purple stretch marks (striae) on the skin of the abdomen, thighs, breasts and arms
Thinning, fragile skin that bruises easily
Slow healing of cuts, insect bites and infections
Acne
Women with Cushing's syndrome may experience:

Thicker or more visible body and facial hair (hirsutism)
Irregular or absent menstrual periods
Men with Cushing's syndrome may experience:

Decreased libido
Decreased fertility
Erectile dysfunction
Other signs and symptoms include:

Fatigue
Muscle weakness
Depression, anxiety and irritability
Loss of emotional control
Cognitive difficulties
New or worsened high blood pressure
Glucose intolerance that may lead to diabetes
Headache
Bone loss, leading to fractures over time


My biggies are the last ones on the list. I am really tired which comes across as me being a fat lazy person. I am depressed and anxious all the time my family got mad at me for attempting to get help. I was told I was bi polar and put on a drug for 3 weeks that made me feel worse. I have been having weird headaches in the middle of my forhead. My blood pressure went from low to very high in the last year and I now take water pills. I have massive facial hair that gets worse every year. I am getting fatter no matter what I eat or how much I exercise. I have been told by doctors to lose weight and all of my symptoms will go away. Hah. Yeah and unicorns exist in my asshole. Anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that having a stupid invisible disease SUCKS. I feel sorry for people that have fibromyalgia and lupus now. I can totally relate.

I hurt my leg friday night and got a leg brace. People were concerned about me!! I am confused. I want to wear the brace until my Cushings is diagnosed because I need to look injured. Not for the attention but for the excuse of not being able to work 8hours and to call in to derby I can barely skate anymore. I need this leg injury. That's so pathetic! I told mouse this and he thinks I am crazy. I think only people with invisble diseases will understand this. Only 5 in million people get diagnosed with cushings. So I don't think anyone is going to care. Even if I have some brain surgery to remove it. People will think I have some fake disease. My relationship feels so strained. That I hope for the worse to prove him wrong. So fucked up... I feel like he doesn't care like this is just another sickness. I have been in the hospital two times this year with unknown diseases that are surely related to this cortisal issue. Why didn't they find it? I orderd my blood charts and they never tested my cortisal or ACTH. They tested me for everything else under the sun like hep, lupus, pcos, valley fever, mono etc. etc. Cushing's is EXTREMELY rare. So I guess they don't test for it. Again I am a unicorn and a sorta healthy looking one that ends up in the hospital.

So I did my 24hr urine collection. YAY. I get another blood test monday. Then if that comes back high than they do an MRI to search for tumors. My goal is to get a diagnosis in the next 2 weeks. I am afraid of losing my insurance so I need to push push push. I am really optomistic really I am. I feel like I am racing to some finish line. I just want people to bare with me a little. I am really trying my best!!

Thanks again. I am kinda glad only 3-5 people read this anymore.

I am so tired I can barely move my body hurts. I just want to roll myself into the hospital fall into a coma and then be cured. I spent 2 hours at Sonaroa Qwest to just pick up a uring collection. This normally would just be annoying but it was EXHAUSTING. I can't take much more testing. I have this crazy test this weekend that will basically keep me home bound and depressed.

Saturday 8am void after that collect all urine for 24hrs
Sunday Midnight take two steroids and fast.
Monday mornings take a ACTH blood test and turn in the urine.

If I have cushings and a tumor wouldn't it be easier to MRI or CT my ass? I guess it's money. I am sure that's next!! I have been telling them since day one that I seem to have cushings by all definitions online. Two blood tests have come back with the high cortisol and ACTH. Too high to be stress related. I just want them to figure it out and remove whatever is causing my body to be so out of whack. Cortisol levels can affect your mind and body. So the good news is I am not crazy. I am depressed but I really can't help it. I don't wana take any drugs because my body reacts to everything as if it were a toxin. The only thing I can take are my allergy meds and the occasional lorezapan. TG for anxiety meds.

Ok well I will update in a week. I am sure that's how long it will take for some lab to test my urine and blood.

I'll be ok. Just gotta fight to get a diagnosis and fix it. The only thing that bothers me the most is my face is swollen and I feel like a hideous monster version of myself :( It's hard to think about derby and the band when I feel so dysmorphic about myself...

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I hate that I only bitch here LJ but I need you. I can't pay rent I have some infection and I started thyroid meds and feel like an emotional jack tard. So getting this on face book before leaving work was not the high note I wanted to start my week on. Oh and lucky me I am coaching tomorrow. yay!!!

"Started thinking more about what you were asking Saturday night and I think you caught me off guard. I have been talking to people about you not playing and the reason is you are more of a safety risk than anything. I feel like you are not very firm on your skates and don't take hits very well at all. I know we all have A LOT to work on but I don't feel like you are safe out on the track. I also recommended you be taken off of the coach list as I feel like you have a hard time doing most of the things you are supposed to be teaching all of us. I hope you can take this as constructive criticism and not be too upset with what I have just said. But I felt like I fibbed a bit when you asked me on Saturday night. I wanted to be honest."

this is a teamate. lovely eh?

Dear LJ I have been a bad bad writer. I neglected you. The only outlet that let's me actually write more than a 2 sentance whiny post. I feel like FB has eaten my brain. People read between the lines and I am sure I sound crazy. Oh well. Really I am just back to vent. I really really need to vent. I am having a healt crisis. I am scared and acting weird. You would act weird too I suppose but it's hard to tell people how I really feel. It's hard to say. Oh btw I think I have Cancer. People are talking behind my back. They're saying it's my diet or I am depressed. They try to give me their "friendly" advice and really I DON'T want it. Not right now. I'm sorry. I have seen 2 doctors this week and have 2 to go. The biopsy is tomorrow. I am just starting to realize how much I still want to do. Even if I have the big C it's supposedly not a serious one to get. Like I am not gonna die from it. So let's just get that out now. I still feel like writing a bucket list for reasons unknown. Maybe it's my morbid fascination with death or maybe it's the idea of living the life I am too afraid to live unless I am dying. Haha. Honestly this biopsy is going to save my life. They're going to find whatever metabolic disorder and fix it. I should be jumping up and down. But honestly my entire body is imflamed and I feel like I have a bout of mono. I have felt like this for months on and off. It's pretty awesome. I can barely bring myself to get dressed let alone have sex. TMI. Sorry. So now that I have depressed myself let's talk about good things going on.

1) new band= amazing. I am in love again with music. We got a studio and are taking it really serious. THis is great for me and really my life.
2) derby= I love derby. lately though I hurt so bad I can barely skate. I can't wait to get better lose weight and become the skater I know I am capable to be.
3) school= I have taken all my tests and got financial aide. I should be starting in January!!! so excited.

Goals.. right now is to get better. Everything will fall into place. I have a great support network and sometimes crying really helps. Ok back to work. Please no comments. thanks.

I need to write. Let it out. All the frustration that's been building, all the stress under my skin boiling to the surface. The last few months have been so hard. I want to point the finger at Tim for starting me on this crazy path of self destruction. But I am too rationale to be able to do that. All I know is that my two hospital stints were very close to run ins with him. Which makes you really wonder how much stress can effect your overall health. In my case I say it renders me to the point of hospitalization for bizzare medical conditions that may or may not trully exist. So I was in the hospital for about a week. Last week and well I wasn't able to pay my bills before this. So well... Now I am in a deeper hole looking up, confused, lost, scared. I can't take my sick cat to the vet, I can't pay 40 dollars to get this required insurance to skate in my first bout, I can't pay rent for the second month in a row, I am weeks late and just when I think this pay check... Something happens like clockwork! I am fighter and also relatively strong. But sometimes the defeat is too much. I really really really really want to hide from the real life. I could become some recluse artist, that's cool right?

Last night I forced myself to go out to a dance night. The strangest thing happened. I was dragged onto the dance floor and then I found myself singing and jumping and fist pumping every beat to the chorus. I was like a drugged animal and it felt AMAZING! Thank god for this brief insanity. This morning I didn't want to get up. Not sure why it's like I knew the paralyzation was coming. Around 4 o'clock...I started thinking about everything. The reality came in and hit me so hard. I have been crying for about an hour now. I took a chill pill and even that doesn't seem to be helping too much. I felt maybe if I wrote about thing maybe they would seem more trivial. After all it's only money, right? I always bounce back. I will be ok. I have safety nets somewhere, they seem to appear right befor the big fall. I can't say I am lucky well because lucky people wouldn't be in the hospital all the time. But I do really scrape by the skin of my teeth. It's a bad little talent.

Sometimes it's so hard to live in the present. I am not who I was and I have no idea who I will become. So yeah it's a waste of time to obesses about things. A certain someone from my pasts makes me feel horrible, just by looking at their picture a surge of resentment comes over me. I not some crazy person but for some reason I want to blame so much of my misfortune on this one part of my life that involved them. Would of, Could of Should of...

I just want to be happy now. So I have to constantly remind myself I am hear and now.

In other news I had some crazy ass detox last night! It's gotta be sugar or some other evil culprit. It felt like drug withdrawls and the symptoms were itchy skin, sweating tossing and turning and rapid thoughts. I so hope I am over it.

Ohh played Jugheads last night. I feel so awake and drained. I think we're playing their again Friday. I say I think because that bar is crazy when it comes to booking they over book and bands show up randomly. It's really odd. Hopefully I will get more info about the Sponge show! I am excited to open up for a good band and at the old boston's. Club 910 live. I want to go check it out this weekend, I hope they still have that amazing outdoor stage.

So I have been water fasting with a little juice in the morning for 4 Days! I never would have thought I could do this. But Bikram yoga has really made me see my potential. I am not really tired at all. The only thing I notice is that I am a little short on working on my computer databases. I just don't have the extra concentration. But I do feel better in alot of other strange ways. I was going to eat today, but after so many days your body stops caring. I am actually scared of eating because I know my stomach is gonna go gaga and hurt. Maybe a bannana... ok this is way too much tmi.

I am so looking forward to Coachella 29 days!

So any of you AZ girls interested in getting fit, making friends, etc. Come join me and the Hell City Roller Girls. Tonight 6:30, I will be at "the church" Central and Bethany (yes they have a skating rink in a huge church) 3 bucks gets you in. We mainly do laps and stuff on Mondays, nothing scary. The rink is on the S side I think it says "Family Center"






of you have pads and/or skates bring them :)

Going to attempt to do our own band photos. We gotta save money for merch. Found a local place that does merch for good prices. http://www.chaosprinting.com/ gonna get some girl shirts. My friend Ernest is making us some pins that we can give out free.

Lalalala. Tonight I want to dance!

I have been a bad bad blogger. If it were my job I would have been fired. But I really think it's time for me and LJ to come back into each others arms. How else would I document my life? I am living it once and I want to try and remember it. :)

The last few months have been one of routine. It's a mixture of band practice and roller derby. My relaxing moments come in the mail in blockbuster envelopes and wine.

With the new year I have set some goals. Mainly music ones, every month at the first practice we will have a list of crap to do and it is divided up. This month includes photos, webstuff. lyric writing and merch. The main website is pretty much done aside from the main bio (which Fez has till 31st ti finish) check it out and leave suggestions. http://www.adamsevil.com

I have also joined forces with Technicolor Bubbles. I am mainly singing back up, but I hear a keytar is in my future. You can hear Mouse and I on "It's alright" http://www.myspace.com/technicolorbubbles

Greg and Christa are great to work with and Christa has a knack for writing that makes me slightly envious. :)


Derby. Derby is a strange mistress she twists and turns. I love her, I hate her and in the end need more. I have been practicing my ass off and have to say my calves have never looked so good. I skate at least 3 times a week. My current skate goal is to get faster much much faster. My cross overs are getting rad, it's such a great feeling to have control over your feet in this way I can't explain it.

So that's about it. We'll actually not completely. Weight I am 20% to my goal weight. That's all I want to say about that. I wish it was more. But it is what it is.

To my lj friends, I still love you.

XOXO